Monthly Archives: July 2015

You know I have been thinking. Maybe it’s time for a change. I need to learn how to maintain control of my life if I am ever going to succeed. I am still battling my depression and I am trying to control my anxieties. But each day, it’s one battle after another. Life is too short and we must cherish each moment like it’s our last. If we invest in an idea that we can better ourselves and the way we think, then success will follow.

For me to do that, I have to focus on my main goals and set new goals for myself. That way I can force myself to rise to the occasion. I have set few goals for myself. I wanted to attend college and I accomplished that. I want to become an artist. I want to become a writer. I want to become a filmmaker. These are the minor goals I have set for myself. However, fear rears its ugly head. No matter how hard I try to achieve my goals, fear overwhelms my mind. My life has been plagued with fear. Fear of failing, fear of being trapped, fear of dying, and the fear of change.

Fear is supposed to be a state of mind, not a handicap. I have been struggling to face my fears but they usually overwhelm me. It’s because the mind is controlled by fear. We go to work everyday because we’re afraid of living on the street. We get married and start a family because we’re afraid of dying alone. There are other fears that we can’t comprehend. For example, I am afraid of black cats because I was afraid they would bring me bad luck. I’m afraid of spilling salt because I was afraid of having bad luck. I’m even afraid of walking under ladders and breaking mirrors because I was afraid of having bad luck. That’s the thing. Superstitions are products of fear. Fear of the unknown.

Our minds play tricks on us. We take comfort in our beliefs. We want something to put faith in. We need that something that will give us strength. When things get too tough, when we feel the world is against us, we rely on that one thing that will give us hope. For me, I pray for miracles. I rely on faith to get me through tough times. I turn to religion for when I need help with the misfortune in my life. But when it comes to achieving my goals, I have to put faith in myself.

In order to succeed, I have to focus on one particular goal at a time. In this case, that’s finishing school and getting a job. Some priorities have to be set aside in order to do what is right. That doesn’t mean I have to give up the things I want altogether. It means I have to focus on the goal and the endgame. I think about the future all the time and that’s the endgame. The future is what we make of it. We must decide our own fate.

However, we cannot always worry about the future. The aspect of this is to learn how to live life and not worry how it’s going to end. We must learn how to enjoy the pleasures that life gives us, to live in the moment and not worry about what is to come. But we must be too frivolous with the short amount of time we have. We must not waist it on sitting around and waiting for the future to come. We must invest in our time by doing the things we never thought we could do. We have to formulate a plan on how we must achieve our goals. We need to focus on the endgame and how we should get there. We need to undergo a series of trials that determine our skill levels. For me, I want to get rich and be famous. I want to date and have sex. But first, I want to focus on my main goals and that is to finish school, get my degree in Media Arts, and gain the knowledge to succeed in life. We must not be afraid to take risks. Sometimes we will make mistakes but that’s part of life. It’s how we learn from our mistakes that we pick ourselves up off the floor, dusts ourselves off, and get back on the horse. And that is what I need to do.

Now, I have to face my fears and learn from my mistakes. But I must be happy and try to enjoy life, learn to how fun for a change, and focus on the endgame.

I have secrets. I have my past. This is the hardest thing for me to say because I cannot find the words to say this but I have tried to kill myself once. It was on March 13, 2015. I had a nervous breakdown and my depression took its toll on me. I try to run in front of a moving car so that it could run me over. I had a second thought. I decided to call a crisis hotline center to talk to a representative about my problems. I was met by a police officer who escorted me to the Yuma Region Center where I talked to a crisis counselor who asked me a series of questions pertaining to the incident. Before that, I have had thoughts about killing myself so many times. The reason why I am blogging about this was because I want to spread my message. I kept an exact-o knife and Swiss Army knife in my draw in case I ever wanted to slit my wrists. On a few occasions, I thought about cutting myself but I never had the heart to do so. I have thought about committing suicide before. In 2013, I tried to smother myself with my own pillow but I couldn’t do it. In 2010 on the week of my high school graduation, I pretended that I was gonna shoot myself in the head with a cap gun. On several occasions, I even thought about putting a bullet in my head. I talk to crisis hotlines about harming myself. I realized that I was suffering from clinical depression and has become severe to the point where I want to commit suicide. In 2010, I thought about buying a gun in case I ever wanted to commit suicide. The reasons for this was because I felt that I was worthless, that nobody cared about me, that the world is cruel, life is unfair, and the afterlife is the only way. I have no friends, I live with my mother, I go to community college, I’m unemployed, I have no girlfriend. These are the many reasons why I want to end my life. Other reasons are that God has forsaken me and the Devil wants me to take my life so that I could take my place in Hell. So yes, I have secrets, I have a past, and now I have a future. I realized that I am not the only one who is suffering from depression. I discovered that there is hope, there is a brighter future, and there is a reason to live. If you’re suffering from depression, don’t be afraid to tell someone about, whether if it’s a family member, a friend, loved one, doctor, or even a religious figure. You need to know that there is always someone who is there to help you through these tough times. It pains me to see people who go through these extremes to feel accepted. We need to know that depression is not just a state of mind, it’s a disease. And it can only get worse unless we do something about it. I am speaking up about this disease because if I don’t then who will? People who suffer from depression resort to suicide each year. This disease has claimed the lives of millions of Americans each year and I fear that I would be its next victim. So, if you’re reading this, know that you’re not alone. We are in this together. I wish for you to hear me out and offer your advice on how to battle this disease.

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