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Monthly Archives: August 2015

I am scared. I am scare of dying. But what I fear most is living. I fear that I will live my life in misery and despair. Now my fears have come to life. Whenever I feel sad and depressed, I try to fight my urges to slit my wrists. But the urge to hurt myself takes a toll on me. There are songs that I listen when I feel down: “Deteriorate” by Demon Hunter, “Never Too Late” by Three Days Grace, “Call Me” by Shinedown, and “Dear Agony” by Breaking Benjamin. Each of these songs mean so much to me in so many ways. Most of them usually talk about suicide and that’s what I am obsessed with nowadays. I feel these songs speak to me, especially Three Days Grace’s “Never To Late”.

This world will never be what I expected. And if I don’t belong, who would’ve guessed it? That first part makes me feel how I should’ve been and how I fit in it. The chorus sounds as though Adam is speaking to me. Even if I say it’ll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we’ll turn it around because it’s not too late. It’s never too late. Perhaps, it’s not too late for me. The song goes on about how we can’t get back the world we knew. That is true. There are times we cannot repeat. I really wish I could go back in time and relive all the precious memories I had but I can’t. That’s the way things are. All we have to do is move forward. But that’s okay because we can always turn things around and that is what I am willing to do. Because it’s not too late for me. It’s never too late.

“Deteriorate” by Demon Hunter is all about time and death. That is the song that I’ve been listening for when I’m depressed. Time has had its way with me and I feel that I was unable to lift myself from my bed. This song usually refers to dealing with death and how it’s the quickest sense of relief. “I need a heart that carries on through the pain when the walls start collapsing again.” That part gets to me because I have prayed to God to “give me a soul that never ceases to follow despite the infection within”. Yes, I am reciting the lyrics to the song because I can relate to them in some way. I’m also “awaiting my end, breathing in the day that finds me anew.” And I will know that my redemption will begin.

“Dear Agony” by Breaking Benjamin is about dealing with death. I have dealt with death in my life and sometimes I wonder when I will die. I live with my agony and I just want it to let go of me. I have an enemy beneath my skin. I am fighting for my last breath until I could no longer breath any longer. The faceless enemy is Death and I battle him each day. I just want Death to leave me alone. Is this the way it’s gotta be? I feel nothing anymore.

Then there’s Shinedown’s “Call Me”. I said that I would change my ways and God knows that I have tried so many times. I did lose my life when I lost my best friend Charlotte. When she died, part of me died with her. I have to make the choices that are not mine as well. I probably won’t be able to stay in one place for a long period of time. If I do live my life, that is the way it should be. I always keep those whom I loved inside of me. There have been friends and families that have helped me heal my life and my heart. They also know that I have tried so many times to change my ways. I’m still trying so hard to do so and maybe I would succeed.

It’s all about learning how to deal with life’s struggles and these songs have helped me do so. I have to learn how to handle things on my own now. That is all I can say at this moment. I am going to turn my life around and I will redeem myself in the eyes of the lord. Now I will be on my way.

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I feel as though the world is turning against me. I feel as though I have been betrayed by the people I thought were my friends. I don’t know what to say. People come in and out of my life and I cannot change fate. It’s as though I am not supposed to have any distractions. Relationships are a luxury people like me can’t afford. I’m supposed to be a weapon, not a person. I have to be a soldier, fighting a war that will never end. That is what my life is supposed to be. That is why I’ve been put on this for.

I have to abandon everything that makes me human. I have to abandon my friends, I have to abandon my family, and I have to abandon my life. I have to give into a life of loneliness and solitude. I have to become the savior of humanity. I have to be a hero that the people deserve. I have to be their guardian angel.

Why should I care? It’s not as though anyone cares about me. I can’t have friends because they will always abandon me. They have their own lives to live and I have to live mine. If this is supposed to be my life, then I have to make the best of it. I pray that I will have a second chance at happiness. I wish I could take a negative and turn it into a positive but my mind won’t let me. It’s because of my clinical depression and I need help getting rid of it forever. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. They crawl in my brain like parasites, infecting my very feelings and emotions, playing movies in my head that makes it like a soap opera.

I am still convinced that the Devil wants me to take my own life so that I could take my place at his side in the fiery pits of Hell. In high school, I was convinced that I sold my soul to him and now I have been left living a life of misery and despair. In some way, I am in Hell and the Devil is the voices in my head. They tell that I am not worthy of happiness, they show me how I should take my life, they say that I will never see my friends again. I just wish they could just leave me alone.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t even recognize my face. When I look at my reflection, I hate the person staring back at me. I hate myself, I hate my life. I just wish I was someone else, someone better. I don’t know how to say this but I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was ever born, I’m sorry that I ever existed, and I’m sorry that I haven’t done anything with my life yet. I hope that fate forgives me. It seems the life I had before is over and I could never get it back. This is all I leave now.

My life is a sham. I had big dreams to be famous and travel the world. I wanted people to deify me as their savior. I wanted to be rich, I wanted to be wealthy, and I wanted to be noticed. I see other people on Facebook and Twitter and they’re living their lives while I wallow in my own self pity. My friends are getting married, traveling the world, and becoming famous. I am sick and tired of waiting on the sidelines. I want to get married, I want to be a celebrity, I want to have wealth, fame, and fortune. When is it going to be my turn?! When will I have a girlfriend, when will I have a job that I would be proud of? And when will I become a star?

I am stuck in this purgatory I call life. I want to have my little piece of heaven. I want to have the good life. I want to have a good time.  I feel as though I am trapped in an eternal life of misery and despair while other people have it made. Maybe I should just abandon my humanity and live among the animals. I have more in common with animals than I have with people. Perhaps I should go out into the wilderness to die. Because I could not live this life of suffering and pain. It’s just too much for me to handle. I don’t want to live this life of sorrow any longer. I want to be rich and famous. People tell that I am worthy to have happiness. They try to tell me that their lives are not always perfect. Maybe that is true. One friend told me that I have to live for God now before I could live for myself. How do I live for God? Do I have to become a priest or go to church everyday? What should I do?!

Should I finish college and work at a dead end job where I get paid a minimum wage? Should I drop out and move to Hollywood? Should I just keep pressing forward and try to make a name for myself? How am I supposed to live my life?!

I tried praying for God to restore my life back to the way it was before I got this way. I pray to God to give me back what is mine. I pray to God to give me back my life. I pray to God to give me back my soul. I pray to God to give me a sign that everything will be alright, that things will be better. Now, I just don’t know anymore.

I failed. I failed myself, I failed my hopes, and I failed my future. I tried to go to an Art Institute but I am attending Community College. I was supposed to live in the big city but I live with my mother in a small town. I was supposed to know how to drive a fast car but I take the bus to school. I was supposed to have a high paying job but I just sit at home, watching television and going on the internet.

I feel that the walls are coming down around me. I am so fucked up and I act like I’ve been hiding in the fear of being rejected. I love as though I have been neglected. I just wish someone would get me out of this hellhole. I have become a walking contradiction. I just want to disappear. I am now going on a self-inflicted mission to destroy what I have been given. I just want my life back!

I cannot take it anymore!

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