I’m Sorry

I feel as though the world is turning against me. I feel as though I have been betrayed by the people I thought were my friends. I don’t know what to say. People come in and out of my life and I cannot change fate. It’s as though I am not supposed to have any distractions. Relationships are a luxury people like me can’t afford. I’m supposed to be a weapon, not a person. I have to be a soldier, fighting a war that will never end. That is what my life is supposed to be. That is why I’ve been put on this for.

I have to abandon everything that makes me human. I have to abandon my friends, I have to abandon my family, and I have to abandon my life. I have to give into a life of loneliness and solitude. I have to become the savior of humanity. I have to be a hero that the people deserve. I have to be their guardian angel.

Why should I care? It’s not as though anyone cares about me. I can’t have friends because they will always abandon me. They have their own lives to live and I have to live mine. If this is supposed to be my life, then I have to make the best of it. I pray that I will have a second chance at happiness. I wish I could take a negative and turn it into a positive but my mind won’t let me. It’s because of my clinical depression and I need help getting rid of it forever. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. They crawl in my brain like parasites, infecting my very feelings and emotions, playing movies in my head that makes it like a soap opera.

I am still convinced that the Devil wants me to take my own life so that I could take my place at his side in the fiery pits of Hell. In high school, I was convinced that I sold my soul to him and now I have been left living a life of misery and despair. In some way, I am in Hell and the Devil is the voices in my head. They tell that I am not worthy of happiness, they show me how I should take my life, they say that I will never see my friends again. I just wish they could just leave me alone.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t even recognize my face. When I look at my reflection, I hate the person staring back at me. I hate myself, I hate my life. I just wish I was someone else, someone better. I don’t know how to say this but I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was ever born, I’m sorry that I ever existed, and I’m sorry that I haven’t done anything with my life yet. I hope that fate forgives me. It seems the life I had before is over and I could never get it back. This is all I leave now.

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2 comments
  1. I can imagine how you feel. I’ve been there and I end up there every few days. It’s the most fiendishly clever torture that could be devised. I wish I could give out words of wisdom or hope, but I can’t. I know how dark it can get. Is there a ray that will banish the darkness? I don’t know; I search for the same. You fear satan, I fear myself. If that keeps you alive for the next moment, and the one after, fear him, fear him with all your might. But know this, you are not alone. Reach out here if no one around you can or will give succor. There are many, many wonderful people out here who can offer better words of help and hope. I hope you keep posting, and they gather around. Till then, I wish you peace.

    Liked by 1 person

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