I am scared. I am scare of dying. But what I fear most is living. I fear that I will live my life in misery and despair. Now my fears have come to life. Whenever I feel sad and depressed, I try to fight my urges to slit my wrists. But the urge to hurt myself takes a toll on me. There are songs that I listen when I feel down: “Deteriorate” by Demon Hunter, “Never Too Late” by Three Days Grace, “Call Me” by Shinedown, and “Dear Agony” by Breaking Benjamin. Each of these songs mean so much to me in so many ways. Most of them usually talk about suicide and that’s what I am obsessed with nowadays. I feel these songs speak to me, especially Three Days Grace’s “Never To Late”.
This world will never be what I expected. And if I don’t belong, who would’ve guessed it? That first part makes me feel how I should’ve been and how I fit in it. The chorus sounds as though Adam is speaking to me. Even if I say it’ll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we’ll turn it around because it’s not too late. It’s never too late. Perhaps, it’s not too late for me. The song goes on about how we can’t get back the world we knew. That is true. There are times we cannot repeat. I really wish I could go back in time and relive all the precious memories I had but I can’t. That’s the way things are. All we have to do is move forward. But that’s okay because we can always turn things around and that is what I am willing to do. Because it’s not too late for me. It’s never too late.
“Deteriorate” by Demon Hunter is all about time and death. That is the song that I’ve been listening for when I’m depressed. Time has had its way with me and I feel that I was unable to lift myself from my bed. This song usually refers to dealing with death and how it’s the quickest sense of relief. “I need a heart that carries on through the pain when the walls start collapsing again.” That part gets to me because I have prayed to God to “give me a soul that never ceases to follow despite the infection within”. Yes, I am reciting the lyrics to the song because I can relate to them in some way. I’m also “awaiting my end, breathing in the day that finds me anew.” And I will know that my redemption will begin.
“Dear Agony” by Breaking Benjamin is about dealing with death. I have dealt with death in my life and sometimes I wonder when I will die. I live with my agony and I just want it to let go of me. I have an enemy beneath my skin. I am fighting for my last breath until I could no longer breath any longer. The faceless enemy is Death and I battle him each day. I just want Death to leave me alone. Is this the way it’s gotta be? I feel nothing anymore.
Then there’s Shinedown’s “Call Me”. I said that I would change my ways and God knows that I have tried so many times. I did lose my life when I lost my best friend Charlotte. When she died, part of me died with her. I have to make the choices that are not mine as well. I probably won’t be able to stay in one place for a long period of time. If I do live my life, that is the way it should be. I always keep those whom I loved inside of me. There have been friends and families that have helped me heal my life and my heart. They also know that I have tried so many times to change my ways. I’m still trying so hard to do so and maybe I would succeed.
It’s all about learning how to deal with life’s struggles and these songs have helped me do so. I have to learn how to handle things on my own now. That is all I can say at this moment. I am going to turn my life around and I will redeem myself in the eyes of the lord. Now I will be on my way.