Worthless

“It’s hopeless. I try so hard to do my best but I only make things worse. I cannot take anymore of this pressure. I just want out. I just want to be free. Free from all the misery, free from all my pain, free from all my suffering. Nothing I do makes a difference. I am just a screw up. I never get things right. I never learn anything. It’s all for nothing. I am worthless. Maybe I should end it here.”

Those are the words of a person who suffers from suicidal tendencies. It really hurts me just to see young people go through these extremes just because they think their lives are worthless. This is a very big issue and we need to open our eyes. More people are dying from suicide than gun violence and disease altogether. While everybody is busy ranting on about the election, or the Iranian nuclear deal, or even the climate change, there is one person who has claimed his or her life because they wanted just to be noticed. Well, they got noticed alright! Their names are in the newspaper in the obituaries. And nothing will change that.

I have been thinking about this. Now I know how sad and depressing life can be. I have my moments of feeling worthless. I have been friendzoned by my crush, I rarely talk to my family often, and school is becoming too hard for me. Yeah, I have had my problems and I still do. Each morning, I play it off like it’s no big deal but I keep fighting these demons when the thoughts provoke me. I have acted as though no cared about me that I was useless and there was no future for me. I told about my recent suicide attempt on March 13, 2015. I even considered a second attempt at suicide on August 7, 2015 when I tried to cut myself in my mom’s shower with one of her razors. I fought the urge to go through with it and I realized that I needed help. So I contacted the suicide prevention hotline and talked to the people who worked there. I cried so hard while I was on the line. They told me that I needed to let it all out. I was scared because I thought they said they were going to send the cops over to my house and my mom was on her way to take me to my doctor’s office to pick up my prescription.

Right now, at this very moment, I have been watching this video on suicide stories. There’s this particular one that got me thinking my world will not be the same if I’m gone. My mother would have to force herself to go to work just pay for my funeral, my friend Becca would have to give up her pageant career because she could not bear the fact that she would not see me again, my brother would not be strong anymore, my sister would have to quit her job because she would not carry on through the pain. All the people I went to high school with would also go to counseling for suicide prevention because they don’t want what would have happened to me to happen to them. They needed me more than I needed them. I would have realized this but I was too upset. And when I’m gone, their lives would be empty and meaningless. They would become worthless without me. This is something that we should all think about.

We need to realize that suicide is not the answer. It’s not taking your pain away, it’s giving it to everyone else around you. The emotional toll is unbearable because you’re gone and nothing can change that. Families and friends will blame themselves for your suicide, they will lose their way as you did. Even the person you love will try to take his or her life just because the guilt of not having you in his or her life would be unbearable. The pain would be too real and it would not go away.

If you feel like you want to kill yourself, stop. It’s not worth it. Think this through and take a step back. Reach out to someone who understands your pain. Talk to your family, talk to your friends, contact your local suicide hotline, and speak to a professional. It doesn’t hurt just to ask for help.

You are not worthless, you are worth it.

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