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Monthly Archives: December 2015

Here is my year in review. Over the course of this year, I have been through an endless series of misfortune and there were times in which I wanted to end my suffering. Ever since the start of the year, I was plagued with bad luck throughout and my depression started to get the best of me. There were moments in which I wanted to take my life because I didn’t feel I was worthy enough to live. I felt as though I didn’t deserve to live.
As I said, there have been several incidents in which I wanted to kill myself; for instance, on March 13, 2015, I tried to commit suicide by attempting to get myself run over by a moving car and I was escorted to the hospital via police cruiser. That was just the tip of the iceberg, I even posted about my incident a week later, stating that the devil wanted me to take my life so that I can reunite with my late friend, Charlotte, in hell.
And if you think that was bad enough, I have had a difficult time trying to adjust to college. I had financial issues that needed to be paid, I had to get my grades up in order to keep my Financial Aid, and I was swindled out of money that I don’t actually have.
I was friend zoned by my crush, most of my friends are getting married, having babies, and living good lives; I’m still going to a community college via public transportation and I still can’t keep my head above water. I’m 24 years old, I still live my mother, I have no wife, no girlfriend, and I have no job.
However, there were some good things that came out of this year. I have attended to the Phoenix Comic Con for three days, I even got to meet other cosplayers who liked to play dress up, and I even got a few good stuff.
Nevertheless, I still have battles with my depression and there were even times where I contemplated suicidal hater for myself; I even tried attempting suicide on several occasions. I thought about cutting myself with an exacter knife each morning or I thought about hanging myself on the bridge in Wellton. I had to watch a lot of suicide stories to dissuade myself from going through with my attempts.
That’s when I realized that there are other people just like me who are faced with this problem, especially on social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I have been getting messages from bloggers on WordPress about my articles and some have been inspirational since these were people who have gone through the same thing I’ve been through.
This was by far the most difficult thing I ever did, writing about my attempted suicides and my thoughts on attempting suicide. I thought that I was going to get in trouble for speaking my mind but what I am doing is being brave for all of you who suffer from clinical depression, just like me.
In closing, 2015 was an unfortunate year for me and I am hoping that 2016 would be better. Here’s to a Happy New Year.

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I know the holiday season is supposed to be a time of joy, but I am still depressed. I’m just so very tired. My family pisses me off on Christmas every year and I don’t know why. They have been so great to me all those years and I am still not happy. This year was a terrible year for me because my depression got the best of me; I have attempted suicide three times this year. And out of those three attempts, two have landed me in the hospital. And now it’s Christmas and I still have these running thoughts of taking my life; yet I don’t know why I am feeling this way. I’m supposed to be happy on Christmas but I’m not. Instead of sugarplums dancing in my head, I have thoughts of my lifeless body dangling at the end of the rope. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I can’t feel this way, not around Christmas.

This was the hardest thing for me to say because I am trying my best but it’s just not enough. I think there’s something wrong with me and I need help.

I am writing this because there are more people who are faced with holiday blues who live in pain, especially during this time of year. They say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s actually the most depressing time because there are still people out there who are faced with mental illnesses that prevent them from enjoying time with their family and friends. They shut everybody out for no reason because their depression becomes worse and they want to end their lives, just like me.

Imagine on Christmas morning when your parents call your name to open presents but you don’t answer because you’ve ended your life on Christmas Eve. They walk into your room only to find your lifeless body at the foot of the bed, or dangling from the ceiling, or with slits at your wrist, or a bullet hole in your head. Their Christmas morning has turned into a day of mourning. Imagine your family having to sell all their Christmas presents just to pay for your funeral, imagine your family crying endlessly every year because Christmas will not be the same without you and you know it. The holiday spirit will never come back, no more Christmas trees, no more presents, no more family dinners because you’re dead.

If you knew what it was like, then you would see why I am writing this. I have faced depression all year and it has gotten to the point where I attempted suicide twice. I pretended to be happy, I even tricked myself to feel this way. And I am not alone, there are others like me. So I have decided to write this blog, especially on Christmas, because I am trying to reach out to other people who is faced with suicidal depression. These people need me to help them in the right path. My life is too precious and I am not going to take it way. I am not going to make the same mistake again. I am going to fight this for all of you.

Everything will be alright. You just have to believe it. It’s never too late to turn things around. There is still hope. We just need to open up our hearts and let it come in.

This might be a sensitive subject to even talk about but I have had some thoughts about self harm, or self-mutilation, since I was in high school. There have been times in which I have had running thoughts of harming myself, but I try to brush it off as if it wasn’t a big deal.

What is self injury? It’s when someone decides to hurt his or herself to feel some degree of pain. The most common method of self-harm is when a person cuts his or her wrists. There have been moments where I attempted to cut my wrists recently. However, there are many other forms of self-harm: burning, self-inflicted beatings, overdosing on prescription drugs, or drinking poisonous chemicals. There is also self-disfigurement where a person would try to destroy or ruin his or her physical features to distinguish his or herself from everybody else. Like I’ve said before, I have had thoughts of mutilating my face beyond recognition. I can’t give any specific details on what I wanted to do but….I did have thoughts of chopping my hands and legs off and setting myself on fire in hopes that I would be rebuilt as a robot. Also, I even thought of burning the left side of my face to make myself look like Two-Face from The Dark Knight. Recently, I even had thoughts of carving out my left eye and replacing it with a clock and change my name to Clockwork, just like the Creepypasta character. I even thought of blinding myself by pouring bleach in my eyes so that I could be like Daredevil.

I know all those sound ridiculous. But I have been depressed for a very long time and I wanted to feel something that was in my control.

Now I have got that out in the open, I am hoping to seek help for my mental illness. I have been told that things will get better. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude about this sort of thing. I have even tried using methods to keep my state of mind such as taking my meds on a daily routine, tried listening to Binaural beats for meditation and positive thinking, and I am going to see a psychiatrist next month. With help, I can get to a point where I no longer want to harm myself anymore.

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