This might be a sensitive subject to even talk about but I have had some thoughts about self harm, or self-mutilation, since I was in high school. There have been times in which I have had running thoughts of harming myself, but I try to brush it off as if it wasn’t a big deal.
What is self injury? It’s when someone decides to hurt his or herself to feel some degree of pain. The most common method of self-harm is when a person cuts his or her wrists. There have been moments where I attempted to cut my wrists recently. However, there are many other forms of self-harm: burning, self-inflicted beatings, overdosing on prescription drugs, or drinking poisonous chemicals. There is also self-disfigurement where a person would try to destroy or ruin his or her physical features to distinguish his or herself from everybody else. Like I’ve said before, I have had thoughts of mutilating my face beyond recognition. I can’t give any specific details on what I wanted to do but….I did have thoughts of chopping my hands and legs off and setting myself on fire in hopes that I would be rebuilt as a robot. Also, I even thought of burning the left side of my face to make myself look like Two-Face from The Dark Knight. Recently, I even had thoughts of carving out my left eye and replacing it with a clock and change my name to Clockwork, just like the Creepypasta character. I even thought of blinding myself by pouring bleach in my eyes so that I could be like Daredevil.
I know all those sound ridiculous. But I have been depressed for a very long time and I wanted to feel something that was in my control.
Now I have got that out in the open, I am hoping to seek help for my mental illness. I have been told that things will get better. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude about this sort of thing. I have even tried using methods to keep my state of mind such as taking my meds on a daily routine, tried listening to Binaural beats for meditation and positive thinking, and I am going to see a psychiatrist next month. With help, I can get to a point where I no longer want to harm myself anymore.