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afterlife

I have secrets. I have my past. This is the hardest thing for me to say because I cannot find the words to say this but I have tried to kill myself once. It was on March 13, 2015. I had a nervous breakdown and my depression took its toll on me. I try to run in front of a moving car so that it could run me over. I had a second thought. I decided to call a crisis hotline center to talk to a representative about my problems. I was met by a police officer who escorted me to the Yuma Region Center where I talked to a crisis counselor who asked me a series of questions pertaining to the incident. Before that, I have had thoughts about killing myself so many times. The reason why I am blogging about this was because I want to spread my message. I kept an exact-o knife and Swiss Army knife in my draw in case I ever wanted to slit my wrists. On a few occasions, I thought about cutting myself but I never had the heart to do so. I have thought about committing suicide before. In 2013, I tried to smother myself with my own pillow but I couldn’t do it. In 2010 on the week of my high school graduation, I pretended that I was gonna shoot myself in the head with a cap gun. On several occasions, I even thought about putting a bullet in my head. I talk to crisis hotlines about harming myself. I realized that I was suffering from clinical depression and has become severe to the point where I want to commit suicide. In 2010, I thought about buying a gun in case I ever wanted to commit suicide. The reasons for this was because I felt that I was worthless, that nobody cared about me, that the world is cruel, life is unfair, and the afterlife is the only way. I have no friends, I live with my mother, I go to community college, I’m unemployed, I have no girlfriend. These are the many reasons why I want to end my life. Other reasons are that God has forsaken me and the Devil wants me to take my life so that I could take my place in Hell. So yes, I have secrets, I have a past, and now I have a future. I realized that I am not the only one who is suffering from depression. I discovered that there is hope, there is a brighter future, and there is a reason to live. If you’re suffering from depression, don’t be afraid to tell someone about, whether if it’s a family member, a friend, loved one, doctor, or even a religious figure. You need to know that there is always someone who is there to help you through these tough times. It pains me to see people who go through these extremes to feel accepted. We need to know that depression is not just a state of mind, it’s a disease. And it can only get worse unless we do something about it. I am speaking up about this disease because if I don’t then who will? People who suffer from depression resort to suicide each year. This disease has claimed the lives of millions of Americans each year and I fear that I would be its next victim. So, if you’re reading this, know that you’re not alone. We are in this together. I wish for you to hear me out and offer your advice on how to battle this disease.

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