I know the holiday season is supposed to be a time of joy, but I am still depressed. I’m just so very tired. My family pisses me off on Christmas every year and I don’t know why. They have been so great to me all those years and I am still not happy. This year was a terrible year for me because my depression got the best of me; I have attempted suicide three times this year. And out of those three attempts, two have landed me in the hospital. And now it’s Christmas and I still have these running thoughts of taking my life; yet I don’t know why I am feeling this way. I’m supposed to be happy on Christmas but I’m not. Instead of sugarplums dancing in my head, I have thoughts of my lifeless body dangling at the end of the rope. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I can’t feel this way, not around Christmas.
This was the hardest thing for me to say because I am trying my best but it’s just not enough. I think there’s something wrong with me and I need help.
I am writing this because there are more people who are faced with holiday blues who live in pain, especially during this time of year. They say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s actually the most depressing time because there are still people out there who are faced with mental illnesses that prevent them from enjoying time with their family and friends. They shut everybody out for no reason because their depression becomes worse and they want to end their lives, just like me.
Imagine on Christmas morning when your parents call your name to open presents but you don’t answer because you’ve ended your life on Christmas Eve. They walk into your room only to find your lifeless body at the foot of the bed, or dangling from the ceiling, or with slits at your wrist, or a bullet hole in your head. Their Christmas morning has turned into a day of mourning. Imagine your family having to sell all their Christmas presents just to pay for your funeral, imagine your family crying endlessly every year because Christmas will not be the same without you and you know it. The holiday spirit will never come back, no more Christmas trees, no more presents, no more family dinners because you’re dead.
If you knew what it was like, then you would see why I am writing this. I have faced depression all year and it has gotten to the point where I attempted suicide twice. I pretended to be happy, I even tricked myself to feel this way. And I am not alone, there are others like me. So I have decided to write this blog, especially on Christmas, because I am trying to reach out to other people who is faced with suicidal depression. These people need me to help them in the right path. My life is too precious and I am not going to take it way. I am not going to make the same mistake again. I am going to fight this for all of you.
Everything will be alright. You just have to believe it. It’s never too late to turn things around. There is still hope. We just need to open up our hearts and let it come in.
Have you ever felt like you’re alone, like nobody cared about you? You sit on your computer just typing your darkest thoughts, contemplating over the bad things that have happened to you in the past, keeping your emotions bottled up.
I want to tell you a story. There was this young man, we’ll call him Henry. Henry had a great life, a loving family, and he had friends who cared about him. He was very thankful for the life he’s been given. He was practically the happiest person in the world. However, that happiness didn’t last.
When Henry was young, his grandmother passed away after suffering a heart attack from smoking. He was devastated by this turn of events. He grew more and more resentful at the people around him. He misbehaved in school, got in trouble with the teacher, and he was sent to the principal’s office. He felt that no one liked him, he was all alone.
Years later, he was in high school and he was on medication. Henry did manage to make it through all his classes without any complaints and he managed to talk to people. He made several friends in high school. However, the depression got to him in later years. There were moments in which Henry feels isolated and alone. There were even times where Henry wanted to end his life. In his sophomore year in high school, Henry had a crush on this girl. Let’s call her Emma. Henry liked Emma a lot but Emma only liked Henry as just a friend. Again the feelings of loneliness surfaced and Henry became deeply depressed. Henry was in love with Emma but she only thought of him as just a friend. He felt as though his heart was breaking. Even though he acted as though it didn’t matter, Henry still felt the feeling of loneliness each day. Every time he saw Emma talking to other guys, Henry felt left out. He was convinced that she never really liked him at all, like she never cared if he lived or died. So, Henry thought about committing suicide.
“Why not?”, he asked. “It’s not like anybody likes me. Maybe I should just kill myself.”
Henry has been given several opportunities to take his own life. He could climb atop to roof of the gymnasium and plunge to his death in front of the whole school. He took take a knife from his mom’s kitchen drawer and slit his wrists. He could take a handful of pills with a bottle of liquor. Every chance he gets, he could end right then and there. He was ready to die. Because he didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. He didn’t want to feel sad anymore. He just wanted to end his suffering forever.
“All I want is for this pain to go away,” he says to himself.
He wants to bring an end to his agony, to silence his shame. So, Henry went onto his computer to write his final goodbyes to all his friends on Facebook. He was done. He wanted it to be over.
Days later, Henry’s Facebook page blew up with messages of endearment.
“I feel your pain, dude. Just know that it gets better.”
“Don’t kill yourself, Henry. You have so much to offer this world.”
Henry scrolled down to reach each comment until he came across one written by Emma.
“Henry, my mom told me that you’re trying to kill yourself. Please, don’t do it. I know I haven’t been much of a good friend to you. I was so busy with school and work that I didn’t pay much attention. I feel terrible for the way I mistreated you. That wasn’t my intention to ignore you and your pain. Of all the people I’ve talked to, you’re practically the only one who actually listens. You are smart, kind, and you are beautiful, Henry. I have hung out with a lot of people and you were the nicest person I have met. You should never give up on life. There are so many people who care so much about you and they would be so sad to see you go. And so would I. You mean everything to me, Henry. I once told you that I liked you as a friend but now I know that you’re more than just a friend. You’re my family and I love you so very much. You see, Henry? You’re not alone. You never were. And don’t think that you’re not worthy because you are. So, if you need a friend to talk to, you can always come to me. I’m going to help you get through this so you don’t have to be alone.”
The next day, Henry noticed Emma looking directly at him. She smiled and waved. She looked to her friends and bid them farewell before she headed into his direction. Emma walked up to Henry and gave him a great big hug. She even kissed him on the cheek.
Henry knew that he will never have to be alone anymore.
“My friends and I are going to catch a movie later tonight. You wanna come?,” Emma asked Henry.
Henry looked at Emma with a smile on his face and said, “Hell yes.”
Henry and Emma walked to class together, hand in hand.
The moral of the story is there are people who care deeply about you, especially the ones who you care deeply about. You should never give up hope that the person that you like will like you back. When you open up to people, they open up to you. Life will get better. You just need to believe.
My life is a sham. I had big dreams to be famous and travel the world. I wanted people to deify me as their savior. I wanted to be rich, I wanted to be wealthy, and I wanted to be noticed. I see other people on Facebook and Twitter and they’re living their lives while I wallow in my own self pity. My friends are getting married, traveling the world, and becoming famous. I am sick and tired of waiting on the sidelines. I want to get married, I want to be a celebrity, I want to have wealth, fame, and fortune. When is it going to be my turn?! When will I have a girlfriend, when will I have a job that I would be proud of? And when will I become a star?
I am stuck in this purgatory I call life. I want to have my little piece of heaven. I want to have the good life. I want to have a good time. I feel as though I am trapped in an eternal life of misery and despair while other people have it made. Maybe I should just abandon my humanity and live among the animals. I have more in common with animals than I have with people. Perhaps I should go out into the wilderness to die. Because I could not live this life of suffering and pain. It’s just too much for me to handle. I don’t want to live this life of sorrow any longer. I want to be rich and famous. People tell that I am worthy to have happiness. They try to tell me that their lives are not always perfect. Maybe that is true. One friend told me that I have to live for God now before I could live for myself. How do I live for God? Do I have to become a priest or go to church everyday? What should I do?!
Should I finish college and work at a dead end job where I get paid a minimum wage? Should I drop out and move to Hollywood? Should I just keep pressing forward and try to make a name for myself? How am I supposed to live my life?!
I tried praying for God to restore my life back to the way it was before I got this way. I pray to God to give me back what is mine. I pray to God to give me back my life. I pray to God to give me back my soul. I pray to God to give me a sign that everything will be alright, that things will be better. Now, I just don’t know anymore.
I failed. I failed myself, I failed my hopes, and I failed my future. I tried to go to an Art Institute but I am attending Community College. I was supposed to live in the big city but I live with my mother in a small town. I was supposed to know how to drive a fast car but I take the bus to school. I was supposed to have a high paying job but I just sit at home, watching television and going on the internet.
I feel that the walls are coming down around me. I am so fucked up and I act like I’ve been hiding in the fear of being rejected. I love as though I have been neglected. I just wish someone would get me out of this hellhole. I have become a walking contradiction. I just want to disappear. I am now going on a self-inflicted mission to destroy what I have been given. I just want my life back!
I cannot take it anymore!
I have secrets. I have my past. This is the hardest thing for me to say because I cannot find the words to say this but I have tried to kill myself once. It was on March 13, 2015. I had a nervous breakdown and my depression took its toll on me. I try to run in front of a moving car so that it could run me over. I had a second thought. I decided to call a crisis hotline center to talk to a representative about my problems. I was met by a police officer who escorted me to the Yuma Region Center where I talked to a crisis counselor who asked me a series of questions pertaining to the incident. Before that, I have had thoughts about killing myself so many times. The reason why I am blogging about this was because I want to spread my message. I kept an exact-o knife and Swiss Army knife in my draw in case I ever wanted to slit my wrists. On a few occasions, I thought about cutting myself but I never had the heart to do so. I have thought about committing suicide before. In 2013, I tried to smother myself with my own pillow but I couldn’t do it. In 2010 on the week of my high school graduation, I pretended that I was gonna shoot myself in the head with a cap gun. On several occasions, I even thought about putting a bullet in my head. I talk to crisis hotlines about harming myself. I realized that I was suffering from clinical depression and has become severe to the point where I want to commit suicide. In 2010, I thought about buying a gun in case I ever wanted to commit suicide. The reasons for this was because I felt that I was worthless, that nobody cared about me, that the world is cruel, life is unfair, and the afterlife is the only way. I have no friends, I live with my mother, I go to community college, I’m unemployed, I have no girlfriend. These are the many reasons why I want to end my life. Other reasons are that God has forsaken me and the Devil wants me to take my life so that I could take my place in Hell. So yes, I have secrets, I have a past, and now I have a future. I realized that I am not the only one who is suffering from depression. I discovered that there is hope, there is a brighter future, and there is a reason to live. If you’re suffering from depression, don’t be afraid to tell someone about, whether if it’s a family member, a friend, loved one, doctor, or even a religious figure. You need to know that there is always someone who is there to help you through these tough times. It pains me to see people who go through these extremes to feel accepted. We need to know that depression is not just a state of mind, it’s a disease. And it can only get worse unless we do something about it. I am speaking up about this disease because if I don’t then who will? People who suffer from depression resort to suicide each year. This disease has claimed the lives of millions of Americans each year and I fear that I would be its next victim. So, if you’re reading this, know that you’re not alone. We are in this together. I wish for you to hear me out and offer your advice on how to battle this disease.