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depression

I feel as though the world is turning against me. I feel as though I have been betrayed by the people I thought were my friends. I don’t know what to say. People come in and out of my life and I cannot change fate. It’s as though I am not supposed to have any distractions. Relationships are a luxury people like me can’t afford. I’m supposed to be a weapon, not a person. I have to be a soldier, fighting a war that will never end. That is what my life is supposed to be. That is why I’ve been put on this for.

I have to abandon everything that makes me human. I have to abandon my friends, I have to abandon my family, and I have to abandon my life. I have to give into a life of loneliness and solitude. I have to become the savior of humanity. I have to be a hero that the people deserve. I have to be their guardian angel.

Why should I care? It’s not as though anyone cares about me. I can’t have friends because they will always abandon me. They have their own lives to live and I have to live mine. If this is supposed to be my life, then I have to make the best of it. I pray that I will have a second chance at happiness. I wish I could take a negative and turn it into a positive but my mind won’t let me. It’s because of my clinical depression and I need help getting rid of it forever. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. They crawl in my brain like parasites, infecting my very feelings and emotions, playing movies in my head that makes it like a soap opera.

I am still convinced that the Devil wants me to take my own life so that I could take my place at his side in the fiery pits of Hell. In high school, I was convinced that I sold my soul to him and now I have been left living a life of misery and despair. In some way, I am in Hell and the Devil is the voices in my head. They tell that I am not worthy of happiness, they show me how I should take my life, they say that I will never see my friends again. I just wish they could just leave me alone.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t even recognize my face. When I look at my reflection, I hate the person staring back at me. I hate myself, I hate my life. I just wish I was someone else, someone better. I don’t know how to say this but I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was ever born, I’m sorry that I ever existed, and I’m sorry that I haven’t done anything with my life yet. I hope that fate forgives me. It seems the life I had before is over and I could never get it back. This is all I leave now.

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My life is a sham. I had big dreams to be famous and travel the world. I wanted people to deify me as their savior. I wanted to be rich, I wanted to be wealthy, and I wanted to be noticed. I see other people on Facebook and Twitter and they’re living their lives while I wallow in my own self pity. My friends are getting married, traveling the world, and becoming famous. I am sick and tired of waiting on the sidelines. I want to get married, I want to be a celebrity, I want to have wealth, fame, and fortune. When is it going to be my turn?! When will I have a girlfriend, when will I have a job that I would be proud of? And when will I become a star?

I am stuck in this purgatory I call life. I want to have my little piece of heaven. I want to have the good life. I want to have a good time.  I feel as though I am trapped in an eternal life of misery and despair while other people have it made. Maybe I should just abandon my humanity and live among the animals. I have more in common with animals than I have with people. Perhaps I should go out into the wilderness to die. Because I could not live this life of suffering and pain. It’s just too much for me to handle. I don’t want to live this life of sorrow any longer. I want to be rich and famous. People tell that I am worthy to have happiness. They try to tell me that their lives are not always perfect. Maybe that is true. One friend told me that I have to live for God now before I could live for myself. How do I live for God? Do I have to become a priest or go to church everyday? What should I do?!

Should I finish college and work at a dead end job where I get paid a minimum wage? Should I drop out and move to Hollywood? Should I just keep pressing forward and try to make a name for myself? How am I supposed to live my life?!

I tried praying for God to restore my life back to the way it was before I got this way. I pray to God to give me back what is mine. I pray to God to give me back my life. I pray to God to give me back my soul. I pray to God to give me a sign that everything will be alright, that things will be better. Now, I just don’t know anymore.

I failed. I failed myself, I failed my hopes, and I failed my future. I tried to go to an Art Institute but I am attending Community College. I was supposed to live in the big city but I live with my mother in a small town. I was supposed to know how to drive a fast car but I take the bus to school. I was supposed to have a high paying job but I just sit at home, watching television and going on the internet.

I feel that the walls are coming down around me. I am so fucked up and I act like I’ve been hiding in the fear of being rejected. I love as though I have been neglected. I just wish someone would get me out of this hellhole. I have become a walking contradiction. I just want to disappear. I am now going on a self-inflicted mission to destroy what I have been given. I just want my life back!

I cannot take it anymore!

I have secrets. I have my past. This is the hardest thing for me to say because I cannot find the words to say this but I have tried to kill myself once. It was on March 13, 2015. I had a nervous breakdown and my depression took its toll on me. I try to run in front of a moving car so that it could run me over. I had a second thought. I decided to call a crisis hotline center to talk to a representative about my problems. I was met by a police officer who escorted me to the Yuma Region Center where I talked to a crisis counselor who asked me a series of questions pertaining to the incident. Before that, I have had thoughts about killing myself so many times. The reason why I am blogging about this was because I want to spread my message. I kept an exact-o knife and Swiss Army knife in my draw in case I ever wanted to slit my wrists. On a few occasions, I thought about cutting myself but I never had the heart to do so. I have thought about committing suicide before. In 2013, I tried to smother myself with my own pillow but I couldn’t do it. In 2010 on the week of my high school graduation, I pretended that I was gonna shoot myself in the head with a cap gun. On several occasions, I even thought about putting a bullet in my head. I talk to crisis hotlines about harming myself. I realized that I was suffering from clinical depression and has become severe to the point where I want to commit suicide. In 2010, I thought about buying a gun in case I ever wanted to commit suicide. The reasons for this was because I felt that I was worthless, that nobody cared about me, that the world is cruel, life is unfair, and the afterlife is the only way. I have no friends, I live with my mother, I go to community college, I’m unemployed, I have no girlfriend. These are the many reasons why I want to end my life. Other reasons are that God has forsaken me and the Devil wants me to take my life so that I could take my place in Hell. So yes, I have secrets, I have a past, and now I have a future. I realized that I am not the only one who is suffering from depression. I discovered that there is hope, there is a brighter future, and there is a reason to live. If you’re suffering from depression, don’t be afraid to tell someone about, whether if it’s a family member, a friend, loved one, doctor, or even a religious figure. You need to know that there is always someone who is there to help you through these tough times. It pains me to see people who go through these extremes to feel accepted. We need to know that depression is not just a state of mind, it’s a disease. And it can only get worse unless we do something about it. I am speaking up about this disease because if I don’t then who will? People who suffer from depression resort to suicide each year. This disease has claimed the lives of millions of Americans each year and I fear that I would be its next victim. So, if you’re reading this, know that you’re not alone. We are in this together. I wish for you to hear me out and offer your advice on how to battle this disease.

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