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Friendship

Here is my year in review. Over the course of this year, I have been through an endless series of misfortune and there were times in which I wanted to end my suffering. Ever since the start of the year, I was plagued with bad luck throughout and my depression started to get the best of me. There were moments in which I wanted to take my life because I didn’t feel I was worthy enough to live. I felt as though I didn’t deserve to live.
As I said, there have been several incidents in which I wanted to kill myself; for instance, on March 13, 2015, I tried to commit suicide by attempting to get myself run over by a moving car and I was escorted to the hospital via police cruiser. That was just the tip of the iceberg, I even posted about my incident a week later, stating that the devil wanted me to take my life so that I can reunite with my late friend, Charlotte, in hell.
And if you think that was bad enough, I have had a difficult time trying to adjust to college. I had financial issues that needed to be paid, I had to get my grades up in order to keep my Financial Aid, and I was swindled out of money that I don’t actually have.
I was friend zoned by my crush, most of my friends are getting married, having babies, and living good lives; I’m still going to a community college via public transportation and I still can’t keep my head above water. I’m 24 years old, I still live my mother, I have no wife, no girlfriend, and I have no job.
However, there were some good things that came out of this year. I have attended to the Phoenix Comic Con for three days, I even got to meet other cosplayers who liked to play dress up, and I even got a few good stuff.
Nevertheless, I still have battles with my depression and there were even times where I contemplated suicidal hater for myself; I even tried attempting suicide on several occasions. I thought about cutting myself with an exacter knife each morning or I thought about hanging myself on the bridge in Wellton. I had to watch a lot of suicide stories to dissuade myself from going through with my attempts.
That’s when I realized that there are other people just like me who are faced with this problem, especially on social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I have been getting messages from bloggers on WordPress about my articles and some have been inspirational since these were people who have gone through the same thing I’ve been through.
This was by far the most difficult thing I ever did, writing about my attempted suicides and my thoughts on attempting suicide. I thought that I was going to get in trouble for speaking my mind but what I am doing is being brave for all of you who suffer from clinical depression, just like me.
In closing, 2015 was an unfortunate year for me and I am hoping that 2016 would be better. Here’s to a Happy New Year.

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This might be a sensitive subject to even talk about but I have had some thoughts about self harm, or self-mutilation, since I was in high school. There have been times in which I have had running thoughts of harming myself, but I try to brush it off as if it wasn’t a big deal.

What is self injury? It’s when someone decides to hurt his or herself to feel some degree of pain. The most common method of self-harm is when a person cuts his or her wrists. There have been moments where I attempted to cut my wrists recently. However, there are many other forms of self-harm: burning, self-inflicted beatings, overdosing on prescription drugs, or drinking poisonous chemicals. There is also self-disfigurement where a person would try to destroy or ruin his or her physical features to distinguish his or herself from everybody else. Like I’ve said before, I have had thoughts of mutilating my face beyond recognition. I can’t give any specific details on what I wanted to do but….I did have thoughts of chopping my hands and legs off and setting myself on fire in hopes that I would be rebuilt as a robot. Also, I even thought of burning the left side of my face to make myself look like Two-Face from The Dark Knight. Recently, I even had thoughts of carving out my left eye and replacing it with a clock and change my name to Clockwork, just like the Creepypasta character. I even thought of blinding myself by pouring bleach in my eyes so that I could be like Daredevil.

I know all those sound ridiculous. But I have been depressed for a very long time and I wanted to feel something that was in my control.

Now I have got that out in the open, I am hoping to seek help for my mental illness. I have been told that things will get better. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude about this sort of thing. I have even tried using methods to keep my state of mind such as taking my meds on a daily routine, tried listening to Binaural beats for meditation and positive thinking, and I am going to see a psychiatrist next month. With help, I can get to a point where I no longer want to harm myself anymore.

Have you ever felt like you’re alone, like nobody cared about you? You sit on your computer just typing your darkest thoughts, contemplating over the bad things that have happened to you in the past, keeping your emotions bottled up.

I want to tell you a story. There was this young man, we’ll call him Henry. Henry had a great life, a loving family, and he had friends who cared about him. He was very thankful for the life he’s been given. He was practically the happiest person in the world. However, that happiness didn’t last.

When Henry was young, his grandmother passed away after suffering a heart attack from smoking. He was devastated by this turn of events. He grew more and more resentful at the people around him. He misbehaved in school, got in trouble with the teacher, and he was sent to the principal’s office. He felt that no one liked him, he was all alone.

Years later, he was in high school and he was on medication. Henry did manage to make it through all his classes without any complaints and he managed to talk to people. He made several friends in high school. However, the depression got to him in later years. There were moments in which Henry feels isolated and alone. There were even times where Henry wanted to end his life. In his sophomore year in high school, Henry had a crush on this girl. Let’s call her Emma. Henry liked Emma a lot but Emma only liked Henry as just a friend. Again the feelings of loneliness surfaced and Henry became deeply depressed. Henry was in love with Emma but she only thought of him as just a friend. He felt as though his heart was breaking. Even though he acted as though it didn’t matter, Henry still felt the feeling of loneliness each day. Every time he saw Emma talking to other guys, Henry felt left out. He was convinced that she never really liked him at all, like she never cared if he lived or died. So, Henry thought about committing suicide.

“Why not?”, he asked. “It’s not like anybody likes me. Maybe I should just kill myself.”

Henry has been given several opportunities to take his own life. He could climb atop to roof of the gymnasium and plunge to his death in front of the whole school. He took take a knife from his mom’s kitchen drawer and slit his wrists. He could take a handful of pills with a bottle of liquor. Every chance he gets, he could end right then and there. He was ready to die. Because he didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. He didn’t want to feel sad anymore. He just wanted to end his suffering forever.

“All I want is for this pain to go away,” he says to himself.

He wants to bring an end to his agony, to silence his shame. So, Henry went onto his computer to write his final goodbyes to all his friends on Facebook. He was done. He wanted it to be over.

Days later, Henry’s Facebook page blew up with messages of endearment.

“I feel your pain, dude. Just know that it gets better.”

“Don’t kill yourself, Henry. You have so much to offer this world.”

Henry scrolled down to reach each comment until he came across one written by Emma.

“Henry, my mom told me that you’re trying to kill yourself. Please, don’t do it. I know I haven’t been much of a good friend to you. I was so busy with school and work that I didn’t pay much attention. I feel terrible for the way I mistreated you. That wasn’t my intention to ignore you and your pain. Of all the people I’ve talked to, you’re practically the only one who actually listens. You are smart, kind, and you are beautiful, Henry. I have hung out with a lot of people and you were the nicest person I have met. You should never give up on life. There are so many people who care so much about you and they would be so sad to see you go. And so would I. You mean everything to me, Henry. I once told you that I liked you as a friend but now I know that you’re more than just a friend. You’re my family and I love you so very much. You see, Henry? You’re not alone. You never were. And don’t think that you’re not worthy because you are. So, if you need a friend to talk to, you can always come to me. I’m going to help you get through this so you don’t have to be alone.”

The next day, Henry noticed Emma looking directly at him. She smiled and waved. She looked to her friends and bid them farewell before she headed into his direction. Emma walked up to Henry and gave him a great big hug. She even kissed him on the cheek.

Henry knew that he will never have to be alone anymore.

“My friends and I are going to catch a movie later tonight. You wanna come?,” Emma asked Henry.

Henry looked at Emma with a smile on his face and said, “Hell yes.”

Henry and Emma walked to class together, hand in hand.

The moral of the story is there are people who care deeply about you, especially the ones who you care deeply about. You should never give up hope that the person that you like will like you back. When you open up to people, they open up to you. Life will get better. You just need to believe.

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