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My life is a sham. I had big dreams to be famous and travel the world. I wanted people to deify me as their savior. I wanted to be rich, I wanted to be wealthy, and I wanted to be noticed. I see other people on Facebook and Twitter and they’re living their lives while I wallow in my own self pity. My friends are getting married, traveling the world, and becoming famous. I am sick and tired of waiting on the sidelines. I want to get married, I want to be a celebrity, I want to have wealth, fame, and fortune. When is it going to be my turn?! When will I have a girlfriend, when will I have a job that I would be proud of? And when will I become a star?

I am stuck in this purgatory I call life. I want to have my little piece of heaven. I want to have the good life. I want to have a good time.  I feel as though I am trapped in an eternal life of misery and despair while other people have it made. Maybe I should just abandon my humanity and live among the animals. I have more in common with animals than I have with people. Perhaps I should go out into the wilderness to die. Because I could not live this life of suffering and pain. It’s just too much for me to handle. I don’t want to live this life of sorrow any longer. I want to be rich and famous. People tell that I am worthy to have happiness. They try to tell me that their lives are not always perfect. Maybe that is true. One friend told me that I have to live for God now before I could live for myself. How do I live for God? Do I have to become a priest or go to church everyday? What should I do?!

Should I finish college and work at a dead end job where I get paid a minimum wage? Should I drop out and move to Hollywood? Should I just keep pressing forward and try to make a name for myself? How am I supposed to live my life?!

I tried praying for God to restore my life back to the way it was before I got this way. I pray to God to give me back what is mine. I pray to God to give me back my life. I pray to God to give me back my soul. I pray to God to give me a sign that everything will be alright, that things will be better. Now, I just don’t know anymore.

I failed. I failed myself, I failed my hopes, and I failed my future. I tried to go to an Art Institute but I am attending Community College. I was supposed to live in the big city but I live with my mother in a small town. I was supposed to know how to drive a fast car but I take the bus to school. I was supposed to have a high paying job but I just sit at home, watching television and going on the internet.

I feel that the walls are coming down around me. I am so fucked up and I act like I’ve been hiding in the fear of being rejected. I love as though I have been neglected. I just wish someone would get me out of this hellhole. I have become a walking contradiction. I just want to disappear. I am now going on a self-inflicted mission to destroy what I have been given. I just want my life back!

I cannot take it anymore!

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You know I have been thinking. Maybe it’s time for a change. I need to learn how to maintain control of my life if I am ever going to succeed. I am still battling my depression and I am trying to control my anxieties. But each day, it’s one battle after another. Life is too short and we must cherish each moment like it’s our last. If we invest in an idea that we can better ourselves and the way we think, then success will follow.

For me to do that, I have to focus on my main goals and set new goals for myself. That way I can force myself to rise to the occasion. I have set few goals for myself. I wanted to attend college and I accomplished that. I want to become an artist. I want to become a writer. I want to become a filmmaker. These are the minor goals I have set for myself. However, fear rears its ugly head. No matter how hard I try to achieve my goals, fear overwhelms my mind. My life has been plagued with fear. Fear of failing, fear of being trapped, fear of dying, and the fear of change.

Fear is supposed to be a state of mind, not a handicap. I have been struggling to face my fears but they usually overwhelm me. It’s because the mind is controlled by fear. We go to work everyday because we’re afraid of living on the street. We get married and start a family because we’re afraid of dying alone. There are other fears that we can’t comprehend. For example, I am afraid of black cats because I was afraid they would bring me bad luck. I’m afraid of spilling salt because I was afraid of having bad luck. I’m even afraid of walking under ladders and breaking mirrors because I was afraid of having bad luck. That’s the thing. Superstitions are products of fear. Fear of the unknown.

Our minds play tricks on us. We take comfort in our beliefs. We want something to put faith in. We need that something that will give us strength. When things get too tough, when we feel the world is against us, we rely on that one thing that will give us hope. For me, I pray for miracles. I rely on faith to get me through tough times. I turn to religion for when I need help with the misfortune in my life. But when it comes to achieving my goals, I have to put faith in myself.

In order to succeed, I have to focus on one particular goal at a time. In this case, that’s finishing school and getting a job. Some priorities have to be set aside in order to do what is right. That doesn’t mean I have to give up the things I want altogether. It means I have to focus on the goal and the endgame. I think about the future all the time and that’s the endgame. The future is what we make of it. We must decide our own fate.

However, we cannot always worry about the future. The aspect of this is to learn how to live life and not worry how it’s going to end. We must learn how to enjoy the pleasures that life gives us, to live in the moment and not worry about what is to come. But we must be too frivolous with the short amount of time we have. We must not waist it on sitting around and waiting for the future to come. We must invest in our time by doing the things we never thought we could do. We have to formulate a plan on how we must achieve our goals. We need to focus on the endgame and how we should get there. We need to undergo a series of trials that determine our skill levels. For me, I want to get rich and be famous. I want to date and have sex. But first, I want to focus on my main goals and that is to finish school, get my degree in Media Arts, and gain the knowledge to succeed in life. We must not be afraid to take risks. Sometimes we will make mistakes but that’s part of life. It’s how we learn from our mistakes that we pick ourselves up off the floor, dusts ourselves off, and get back on the horse. And that is what I need to do.

Now, I have to face my fears and learn from my mistakes. But I must be happy and try to enjoy life, learn to how fun for a change, and focus on the endgame.

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