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high school

Have you ever felt like you’re alone, like nobody cared about you? You sit on your computer just typing your darkest thoughts, contemplating over the bad things that have happened to you in the past, keeping your emotions bottled up.

I want to tell you a story. There was this young man, we’ll call him Henry. Henry had a great life, a loving family, and he had friends who cared about him. He was very thankful for the life he’s been given. He was practically the happiest person in the world. However, that happiness didn’t last.

When Henry was young, his grandmother passed away after suffering a heart attack from smoking. He was devastated by this turn of events. He grew more and more resentful at the people around him. He misbehaved in school, got in trouble with the teacher, and he was sent to the principal’s office. He felt that no one liked him, he was all alone.

Years later, he was in high school and he was on medication. Henry did manage to make it through all his classes without any complaints and he managed to talk to people. He made several friends in high school. However, the depression got to him in later years. There were moments in which Henry feels isolated and alone. There were even times where Henry wanted to end his life. In his sophomore year in high school, Henry had a crush on this girl. Let’s call her Emma. Henry liked Emma a lot but Emma only liked Henry as just a friend. Again the feelings of loneliness surfaced and Henry became deeply depressed. Henry was in love with Emma but she only thought of him as just a friend. He felt as though his heart was breaking. Even though he acted as though it didn’t matter, Henry still felt the feeling of loneliness each day. Every time he saw Emma talking to other guys, Henry felt left out. He was convinced that she never really liked him at all, like she never cared if he lived or died. So, Henry thought about committing suicide.

“Why not?”, he asked. “It’s not like anybody likes me. Maybe I should just kill myself.”

Henry has been given several opportunities to take his own life. He could climb atop to roof of the gymnasium and plunge to his death in front of the whole school. He took take a knife from his mom’s kitchen drawer and slit his wrists. He could take a handful of pills with a bottle of liquor. Every chance he gets, he could end right then and there. He was ready to die. Because he didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. He didn’t want to feel sad anymore. He just wanted to end his suffering forever.

“All I want is for this pain to go away,” he says to himself.

He wants to bring an end to his agony, to silence his shame. So, Henry went onto his computer to write his final goodbyes to all his friends on Facebook. He was done. He wanted it to be over.

Days later, Henry’s Facebook page blew up with messages of endearment.

“I feel your pain, dude. Just know that it gets better.”

“Don’t kill yourself, Henry. You have so much to offer this world.”

Henry scrolled down to reach each comment until he came across one written by Emma.

“Henry, my mom told me that you’re trying to kill yourself. Please, don’t do it. I know I haven’t been much of a good friend to you. I was so busy with school and work that I didn’t pay much attention. I feel terrible for the way I mistreated you. That wasn’t my intention to ignore you and your pain. Of all the people I’ve talked to, you’re practically the only one who actually listens. You are smart, kind, and you are beautiful, Henry. I have hung out with a lot of people and you were the nicest person I have met. You should never give up on life. There are so many people who care so much about you and they would be so sad to see you go. And so would I. You mean everything to me, Henry. I once told you that I liked you as a friend but now I know that you’re more than just a friend. You’re my family and I love you so very much. You see, Henry? You’re not alone. You never were. And don’t think that you’re not worthy because you are. So, if you need a friend to talk to, you can always come to me. I’m going to help you get through this so you don’t have to be alone.”

The next day, Henry noticed Emma looking directly at him. She smiled and waved. She looked to her friends and bid them farewell before she headed into his direction. Emma walked up to Henry and gave him a great big hug. She even kissed him on the cheek.

Henry knew that he will never have to be alone anymore.

“My friends and I are going to catch a movie later tonight. You wanna come?,” Emma asked Henry.

Henry looked at Emma with a smile on his face and said, “Hell yes.”

Henry and Emma walked to class together, hand in hand.

The moral of the story is there are people who care deeply about you, especially the ones who you care deeply about. You should never give up hope that the person that you like will like you back. When you open up to people, they open up to you. Life will get better. You just need to believe.

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I have secrets. I have my past. This is the hardest thing for me to say because I cannot find the words to say this but I have tried to kill myself once. It was on March 13, 2015. I had a nervous breakdown and my depression took its toll on me. I try to run in front of a moving car so that it could run me over. I had a second thought. I decided to call a crisis hotline center to talk to a representative about my problems. I was met by a police officer who escorted me to the Yuma Region Center where I talked to a crisis counselor who asked me a series of questions pertaining to the incident. Before that, I have had thoughts about killing myself so many times. The reason why I am blogging about this was because I want to spread my message. I kept an exact-o knife and Swiss Army knife in my draw in case I ever wanted to slit my wrists. On a few occasions, I thought about cutting myself but I never had the heart to do so. I have thought about committing suicide before. In 2013, I tried to smother myself with my own pillow but I couldn’t do it. In 2010 on the week of my high school graduation, I pretended that I was gonna shoot myself in the head with a cap gun. On several occasions, I even thought about putting a bullet in my head. I talk to crisis hotlines about harming myself. I realized that I was suffering from clinical depression and has become severe to the point where I want to commit suicide. In 2010, I thought about buying a gun in case I ever wanted to commit suicide. The reasons for this was because I felt that I was worthless, that nobody cared about me, that the world is cruel, life is unfair, and the afterlife is the only way. I have no friends, I live with my mother, I go to community college, I’m unemployed, I have no girlfriend. These are the many reasons why I want to end my life. Other reasons are that God has forsaken me and the Devil wants me to take my life so that I could take my place in Hell. So yes, I have secrets, I have a past, and now I have a future. I realized that I am not the only one who is suffering from depression. I discovered that there is hope, there is a brighter future, and there is a reason to live. If you’re suffering from depression, don’t be afraid to tell someone about, whether if it’s a family member, a friend, loved one, doctor, or even a religious figure. You need to know that there is always someone who is there to help you through these tough times. It pains me to see people who go through these extremes to feel accepted. We need to know that depression is not just a state of mind, it’s a disease. And it can only get worse unless we do something about it. I am speaking up about this disease because if I don’t then who will? People who suffer from depression resort to suicide each year. This disease has claimed the lives of millions of Americans each year and I fear that I would be its next victim. So, if you’re reading this, know that you’re not alone. We are in this together. I wish for you to hear me out and offer your advice on how to battle this disease.

You know I usually don’t blog about my life often but I just wanted to clear the slate and talk about what high school was like for me. It was my freshman year and I was already feeling the angst of being a high school student. I don’t what was going on back then but I could never forget all those kids and what they see of me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being a freshman in high school. It was a great experience for me but there have been those times when I felt I was being ridiculed behind my back. A bunch of teenagers thought it would be cool to mock me because I loved superheroes and I was really hurt but I didn’t let them get the best of me even though they still talk crap about my favorite comic books. Kids can be very cruel, right? Well, not all the time. Some teenagers witnessed my extraordinary talent to draw. Usually, they crowd around and watch me draw Batman or Spider-Man. It did give me the attention I deserved at the time. People would come up to me and tell me that I have an awesome talent and they request that I draw them something. Also, people always laughed at some of my wisecracks. I was cool for a while, then my Sophomore year began.

My first few days as a Sophomore was tragic. I missed my bus on my first day of school and I had to run after it as soon as it starts to drive off. The next few days weren’t as easy as I hoped. I started to develop these personality disorders in which I fall into a state of depression. I began lashing out at everyone, I withdrew myself from everybody, and I began to bury myself in my art. If only anyone would understand how I felt back then and I would get the help I deserved. I was a stranger to everyone. I wasn’t the same boy I was in my Freshman year. No, I was far different. I was dark and disturbed. At the time, I was on the verge of falling apart. I felt so alone. I was feeling low and I didn’t think I had a way out. There were even times when I wanted to drop out of school. But things started getting better around the time of the end of the school year and it was all thanks to a movie called “Iron Man”. Since I watched that movie, I began to think more positively, I started to become more tolerant, and I found a crowd for whom I could fit in.

My Junior year started and I was in full swing. I knew I was ready for a change and I felt that I can get through this. It was okay for a while but there were some scenarios in which I feel this anxiety flares coming up. I tend to get excited, I couldn’t think, and I feel that I wanted to run out of the class. However, they go away every once in a while. I started to go on with the rest of my day. I used several methods to suppress these anxiety flares such as breathing, meditation, and etc.. It was okay for a while and I was feeling alright. There are still those kids who want to torment me because I liked superheroes but I pretend to ignore them. Around that time, I was merely invincible but I was still feeling depressed. However, my depression was a bit moderate and I try to talk to someone about it. Luckily, I did find some people who understood what I was going through and it was the first time in my life that I actually opened up to someone other than my family. I never thought I would be talking to someone my own age. I found some friends for whom I could hang around with in the gym on Fridays. Most of the senior class envied me, especially the girls and some of the guys. It was the greatest year of my high school year. I got to dress up as Superman and I won my school’s pageant for it. But then everything went downhill from there…..

 

My senior year was by far the worst year of my life. I thought I was ready for the big leagues but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered when I tried to get attention from my fellow classmates. After all my accomplishments and achievements, I still feel depressed. The anxiety flares came back and I was feeling what I felt in my sophomore year. I began lashing out to other students and I was on the brink of losing it. Oh my god, it was hell for me. I was about to lose my mind. I started talking, I began acting crazy on several occasions, and I fall back into my deep depression. Even though I was a senior, I still get mocked by the other students over my fascination with superheroes. I began acting narcissistic and talked highly about myself on several occasions.  I guess it was because Graduation Day was around the corner and I was feeling the peer pressure of college. I was just trying to race against time and get myself ready for the big day. Ugh, it was hard for me but then again, it was because life was hard. Life is hard. Well, I guess high school was trying to prepare for life. It wasn’t a prison, it wasn’t a popularity contest, it was a cocoon. It helped mold me into what I am. Life can be very strange sometime. It could throw you curve balls sometimes and you won’t know it until it hits you in the back the head. No matter what happens in life, one will thing will never change…….

 

I am who I am and that’s the way it’ll stay.

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