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Here is my year in review. Over the course of this year, I have been through an endless series of misfortune and there were times in which I wanted to end my suffering. Ever since the start of the year, I was plagued with bad luck throughout and my depression started to get the best of me. There were moments in which I wanted to take my life because I didn’t feel I was worthy enough to live. I felt as though I didn’t deserve to live.
As I said, there have been several incidents in which I wanted to kill myself; for instance, on March 13, 2015, I tried to commit suicide by attempting to get myself run over by a moving car and I was escorted to the hospital via police cruiser. That was just the tip of the iceberg, I even posted about my incident a week later, stating that the devil wanted me to take my life so that I can reunite with my late friend, Charlotte, in hell.
And if you think that was bad enough, I have had a difficult time trying to adjust to college. I had financial issues that needed to be paid, I had to get my grades up in order to keep my Financial Aid, and I was swindled out of money that I don’t actually have.
I was friend zoned by my crush, most of my friends are getting married, having babies, and living good lives; I’m still going to a community college via public transportation and I still can’t keep my head above water. I’m 24 years old, I still live my mother, I have no wife, no girlfriend, and I have no job.
However, there were some good things that came out of this year. I have attended to the Phoenix Comic Con for three days, I even got to meet other cosplayers who liked to play dress up, and I even got a few good stuff.
Nevertheless, I still have battles with my depression and there were even times where I contemplated suicidal hater for myself; I even tried attempting suicide on several occasions. I thought about cutting myself with an exacter knife each morning or I thought about hanging myself on the bridge in Wellton. I had to watch a lot of suicide stories to dissuade myself from going through with my attempts.
That’s when I realized that there are other people just like me who are faced with this problem, especially on social media sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I have been getting messages from bloggers on WordPress about my articles and some have been inspirational since these were people who have gone through the same thing I’ve been through.
This was by far the most difficult thing I ever did, writing about my attempted suicides and my thoughts on attempting suicide. I thought that I was going to get in trouble for speaking my mind but what I am doing is being brave for all of you who suffer from clinical depression, just like me.
In closing, 2015 was an unfortunate year for me and I am hoping that 2016 would be better. Here’s to a Happy New Year.

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I know the holiday season is supposed to be a time of joy, but I am still depressed. I’m just so very tired. My family pisses me off on Christmas every year and I don’t know why. They have been so great to me all those years and I am still not happy. This year was a terrible year for me because my depression got the best of me; I have attempted suicide three times this year. And out of those three attempts, two have landed me in the hospital. And now it’s Christmas and I still have these running thoughts of taking my life; yet I don’t know why I am feeling this way. I’m supposed to be happy on Christmas but I’m not. Instead of sugarplums dancing in my head, I have thoughts of my lifeless body dangling at the end of the rope. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I can’t feel this way, not around Christmas.

This was the hardest thing for me to say because I am trying my best but it’s just not enough. I think there’s something wrong with me and I need help.

I am writing this because there are more people who are faced with holiday blues who live in pain, especially during this time of year. They say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s actually the most depressing time because there are still people out there who are faced with mental illnesses that prevent them from enjoying time with their family and friends. They shut everybody out for no reason because their depression becomes worse and they want to end their lives, just like me.

Imagine on Christmas morning when your parents call your name to open presents but you don’t answer because you’ve ended your life on Christmas Eve. They walk into your room only to find your lifeless body at the foot of the bed, or dangling from the ceiling, or with slits at your wrist, or a bullet hole in your head. Their Christmas morning has turned into a day of mourning. Imagine your family having to sell all their Christmas presents just to pay for your funeral, imagine your family crying endlessly every year because Christmas will not be the same without you and you know it. The holiday spirit will never come back, no more Christmas trees, no more presents, no more family dinners because you’re dead.

If you knew what it was like, then you would see why I am writing this. I have faced depression all year and it has gotten to the point where I attempted suicide twice. I pretended to be happy, I even tricked myself to feel this way. And I am not alone, there are others like me. So I have decided to write this blog, especially on Christmas, because I am trying to reach out to other people who is faced with suicidal depression. These people need me to help them in the right path. My life is too precious and I am not going to take it way. I am not going to make the same mistake again. I am going to fight this for all of you.

Everything will be alright. You just have to believe it. It’s never too late to turn things around. There is still hope. We just need to open up our hearts and let it come in.

Have you ever felt like you’re alone, like nobody cared about you? You sit on your computer just typing your darkest thoughts, contemplating over the bad things that have happened to you in the past, keeping your emotions bottled up.

I want to tell you a story. There was this young man, we’ll call him Henry. Henry had a great life, a loving family, and he had friends who cared about him. He was very thankful for the life he’s been given. He was practically the happiest person in the world. However, that happiness didn’t last.

When Henry was young, his grandmother passed away after suffering a heart attack from smoking. He was devastated by this turn of events. He grew more and more resentful at the people around him. He misbehaved in school, got in trouble with the teacher, and he was sent to the principal’s office. He felt that no one liked him, he was all alone.

Years later, he was in high school and he was on medication. Henry did manage to make it through all his classes without any complaints and he managed to talk to people. He made several friends in high school. However, the depression got to him in later years. There were moments in which Henry feels isolated and alone. There were even times where Henry wanted to end his life. In his sophomore year in high school, Henry had a crush on this girl. Let’s call her Emma. Henry liked Emma a lot but Emma only liked Henry as just a friend. Again the feelings of loneliness surfaced and Henry became deeply depressed. Henry was in love with Emma but she only thought of him as just a friend. He felt as though his heart was breaking. Even though he acted as though it didn’t matter, Henry still felt the feeling of loneliness each day. Every time he saw Emma talking to other guys, Henry felt left out. He was convinced that she never really liked him at all, like she never cared if he lived or died. So, Henry thought about committing suicide.

“Why not?”, he asked. “It’s not like anybody likes me. Maybe I should just kill myself.”

Henry has been given several opportunities to take his own life. He could climb atop to roof of the gymnasium and plunge to his death in front of the whole school. He took take a knife from his mom’s kitchen drawer and slit his wrists. He could take a handful of pills with a bottle of liquor. Every chance he gets, he could end right then and there. He was ready to die. Because he didn’t want to feel the pain anymore. He didn’t want to feel sad anymore. He just wanted to end his suffering forever.

“All I want is for this pain to go away,” he says to himself.

He wants to bring an end to his agony, to silence his shame. So, Henry went onto his computer to write his final goodbyes to all his friends on Facebook. He was done. He wanted it to be over.

Days later, Henry’s Facebook page blew up with messages of endearment.

“I feel your pain, dude. Just know that it gets better.”

“Don’t kill yourself, Henry. You have so much to offer this world.”

Henry scrolled down to reach each comment until he came across one written by Emma.

“Henry, my mom told me that you’re trying to kill yourself. Please, don’t do it. I know I haven’t been much of a good friend to you. I was so busy with school and work that I didn’t pay much attention. I feel terrible for the way I mistreated you. That wasn’t my intention to ignore you and your pain. Of all the people I’ve talked to, you’re practically the only one who actually listens. You are smart, kind, and you are beautiful, Henry. I have hung out with a lot of people and you were the nicest person I have met. You should never give up on life. There are so many people who care so much about you and they would be so sad to see you go. And so would I. You mean everything to me, Henry. I once told you that I liked you as a friend but now I know that you’re more than just a friend. You’re my family and I love you so very much. You see, Henry? You’re not alone. You never were. And don’t think that you’re not worthy because you are. So, if you need a friend to talk to, you can always come to me. I’m going to help you get through this so you don’t have to be alone.”

The next day, Henry noticed Emma looking directly at him. She smiled and waved. She looked to her friends and bid them farewell before she headed into his direction. Emma walked up to Henry and gave him a great big hug. She even kissed him on the cheek.

Henry knew that he will never have to be alone anymore.

“My friends and I are going to catch a movie later tonight. You wanna come?,” Emma asked Henry.

Henry looked at Emma with a smile on his face and said, “Hell yes.”

Henry and Emma walked to class together, hand in hand.

The moral of the story is there are people who care deeply about you, especially the ones who you care deeply about. You should never give up hope that the person that you like will like you back. When you open up to people, they open up to you. Life will get better. You just need to believe.

“It’s hopeless. I try so hard to do my best but I only make things worse. I cannot take anymore of this pressure. I just want out. I just want to be free. Free from all the misery, free from all my pain, free from all my suffering. Nothing I do makes a difference. I am just a screw up. I never get things right. I never learn anything. It’s all for nothing. I am worthless. Maybe I should end it here.”

Those are the words of a person who suffers from suicidal tendencies. It really hurts me just to see young people go through these extremes just because they think their lives are worthless. This is a very big issue and we need to open our eyes. More people are dying from suicide than gun violence and disease altogether. While everybody is busy ranting on about the election, or the Iranian nuclear deal, or even the climate change, there is one person who has claimed his or her life because they wanted just to be noticed. Well, they got noticed alright! Their names are in the newspaper in the obituaries. And nothing will change that.

I have been thinking about this. Now I know how sad and depressing life can be. I have my moments of feeling worthless. I have been friendzoned by my crush, I rarely talk to my family often, and school is becoming too hard for me. Yeah, I have had my problems and I still do. Each morning, I play it off like it’s no big deal but I keep fighting these demons when the thoughts provoke me. I have acted as though no cared about me that I was useless and there was no future for me. I told about my recent suicide attempt on March 13, 2015. I even considered a second attempt at suicide on August 7, 2015 when I tried to cut myself in my mom’s shower with one of her razors. I fought the urge to go through with it and I realized that I needed help. So I contacted the suicide prevention hotline and talked to the people who worked there. I cried so hard while I was on the line. They told me that I needed to let it all out. I was scared because I thought they said they were going to send the cops over to my house and my mom was on her way to take me to my doctor’s office to pick up my prescription.

Right now, at this very moment, I have been watching this video on suicide stories. There’s this particular one that got me thinking my world will not be the same if I’m gone. My mother would have to force herself to go to work just pay for my funeral, my friend Becca would have to give up her pageant career because she could not bear the fact that she would not see me again, my brother would not be strong anymore, my sister would have to quit her job because she would not carry on through the pain. All the people I went to high school with would also go to counseling for suicide prevention because they don’t want what would have happened to me to happen to them. They needed me more than I needed them. I would have realized this but I was too upset. And when I’m gone, their lives would be empty and meaningless. They would become worthless without me. This is something that we should all think about.

We need to realize that suicide is not the answer. It’s not taking your pain away, it’s giving it to everyone else around you. The emotional toll is unbearable because you’re gone and nothing can change that. Families and friends will blame themselves for your suicide, they will lose their way as you did. Even the person you love will try to take his or her life just because the guilt of not having you in his or her life would be unbearable. The pain would be too real and it would not go away.

If you feel like you want to kill yourself, stop. It’s not worth it. Think this through and take a step back. Reach out to someone who understands your pain. Talk to your family, talk to your friends, contact your local suicide hotline, and speak to a professional. It doesn’t hurt just to ask for help.

You are not worthless, you are worth it.

I am scared. I am scare of dying. But what I fear most is living. I fear that I will live my life in misery and despair. Now my fears have come to life. Whenever I feel sad and depressed, I try to fight my urges to slit my wrists. But the urge to hurt myself takes a toll on me. There are songs that I listen when I feel down: “Deteriorate” by Demon Hunter, “Never Too Late” by Three Days Grace, “Call Me” by Shinedown, and “Dear Agony” by Breaking Benjamin. Each of these songs mean so much to me in so many ways. Most of them usually talk about suicide and that’s what I am obsessed with nowadays. I feel these songs speak to me, especially Three Days Grace’s “Never To Late”.

This world will never be what I expected. And if I don’t belong, who would’ve guessed it? That first part makes me feel how I should’ve been and how I fit in it. The chorus sounds as though Adam is speaking to me. Even if I say it’ll be alright, still I hear you say you want to end your life. Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we’ll turn it around because it’s not too late. It’s never too late. Perhaps, it’s not too late for me. The song goes on about how we can’t get back the world we knew. That is true. There are times we cannot repeat. I really wish I could go back in time and relive all the precious memories I had but I can’t. That’s the way things are. All we have to do is move forward. But that’s okay because we can always turn things around and that is what I am willing to do. Because it’s not too late for me. It’s never too late.

“Deteriorate” by Demon Hunter is all about time and death. That is the song that I’ve been listening for when I’m depressed. Time has had its way with me and I feel that I was unable to lift myself from my bed. This song usually refers to dealing with death and how it’s the quickest sense of relief. “I need a heart that carries on through the pain when the walls start collapsing again.” That part gets to me because I have prayed to God to “give me a soul that never ceases to follow despite the infection within”. Yes, I am reciting the lyrics to the song because I can relate to them in some way. I’m also “awaiting my end, breathing in the day that finds me anew.” And I will know that my redemption will begin.

“Dear Agony” by Breaking Benjamin is about dealing with death. I have dealt with death in my life and sometimes I wonder when I will die. I live with my agony and I just want it to let go of me. I have an enemy beneath my skin. I am fighting for my last breath until I could no longer breath any longer. The faceless enemy is Death and I battle him each day. I just want Death to leave me alone. Is this the way it’s gotta be? I feel nothing anymore.

Then there’s Shinedown’s “Call Me”. I said that I would change my ways and God knows that I have tried so many times. I did lose my life when I lost my best friend Charlotte. When she died, part of me died with her. I have to make the choices that are not mine as well. I probably won’t be able to stay in one place for a long period of time. If I do live my life, that is the way it should be. I always keep those whom I loved inside of me. There have been friends and families that have helped me heal my life and my heart. They also know that I have tried so many times to change my ways. I’m still trying so hard to do so and maybe I would succeed.

It’s all about learning how to deal with life’s struggles and these songs have helped me do so. I have to learn how to handle things on my own now. That is all I can say at this moment. I am going to turn my life around and I will redeem myself in the eyes of the lord. Now I will be on my way.

I feel as though the world is turning against me. I feel as though I have been betrayed by the people I thought were my friends. I don’t know what to say. People come in and out of my life and I cannot change fate. It’s as though I am not supposed to have any distractions. Relationships are a luxury people like me can’t afford. I’m supposed to be a weapon, not a person. I have to be a soldier, fighting a war that will never end. That is what my life is supposed to be. That is why I’ve been put on this for.

I have to abandon everything that makes me human. I have to abandon my friends, I have to abandon my family, and I have to abandon my life. I have to give into a life of loneliness and solitude. I have to become the savior of humanity. I have to be a hero that the people deserve. I have to be their guardian angel.

Why should I care? It’s not as though anyone cares about me. I can’t have friends because they will always abandon me. They have their own lives to live and I have to live mine. If this is supposed to be my life, then I have to make the best of it. I pray that I will have a second chance at happiness. I wish I could take a negative and turn it into a positive but my mind won’t let me. It’s because of my clinical depression and I need help getting rid of it forever. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night. They crawl in my brain like parasites, infecting my very feelings and emotions, playing movies in my head that makes it like a soap opera.

I am still convinced that the Devil wants me to take my own life so that I could take my place at his side in the fiery pits of Hell. In high school, I was convinced that I sold my soul to him and now I have been left living a life of misery and despair. In some way, I am in Hell and the Devil is the voices in my head. They tell that I am not worthy of happiness, they show me how I should take my life, they say that I will never see my friends again. I just wish they could just leave me alone.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t even recognize my face. When I look at my reflection, I hate the person staring back at me. I hate myself, I hate my life. I just wish I was someone else, someone better. I don’t know how to say this but I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was ever born, I’m sorry that I ever existed, and I’m sorry that I haven’t done anything with my life yet. I hope that fate forgives me. It seems the life I had before is over and I could never get it back. This is all I leave now.

My life is a sham. I had big dreams to be famous and travel the world. I wanted people to deify me as their savior. I wanted to be rich, I wanted to be wealthy, and I wanted to be noticed. I see other people on Facebook and Twitter and they’re living their lives while I wallow in my own self pity. My friends are getting married, traveling the world, and becoming famous. I am sick and tired of waiting on the sidelines. I want to get married, I want to be a celebrity, I want to have wealth, fame, and fortune. When is it going to be my turn?! When will I have a girlfriend, when will I have a job that I would be proud of? And when will I become a star?

I am stuck in this purgatory I call life. I want to have my little piece of heaven. I want to have the good life. I want to have a good time.  I feel as though I am trapped in an eternal life of misery and despair while other people have it made. Maybe I should just abandon my humanity and live among the animals. I have more in common with animals than I have with people. Perhaps I should go out into the wilderness to die. Because I could not live this life of suffering and pain. It’s just too much for me to handle. I don’t want to live this life of sorrow any longer. I want to be rich and famous. People tell that I am worthy to have happiness. They try to tell me that their lives are not always perfect. Maybe that is true. One friend told me that I have to live for God now before I could live for myself. How do I live for God? Do I have to become a priest or go to church everyday? What should I do?!

Should I finish college and work at a dead end job where I get paid a minimum wage? Should I drop out and move to Hollywood? Should I just keep pressing forward and try to make a name for myself? How am I supposed to live my life?!

I tried praying for God to restore my life back to the way it was before I got this way. I pray to God to give me back what is mine. I pray to God to give me back my life. I pray to God to give me back my soul. I pray to God to give me a sign that everything will be alright, that things will be better. Now, I just don’t know anymore.

I failed. I failed myself, I failed my hopes, and I failed my future. I tried to go to an Art Institute but I am attending Community College. I was supposed to live in the big city but I live with my mother in a small town. I was supposed to know how to drive a fast car but I take the bus to school. I was supposed to have a high paying job but I just sit at home, watching television and going on the internet.

I feel that the walls are coming down around me. I am so fucked up and I act like I’ve been hiding in the fear of being rejected. I love as though I have been neglected. I just wish someone would get me out of this hellhole. I have become a walking contradiction. I just want to disappear. I am now going on a self-inflicted mission to destroy what I have been given. I just want my life back!

I cannot take it anymore!

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