I know the holiday season is supposed to be a time of joy, but I am still depressed. I’m just so very tired. My family pisses me off on Christmas every year and I don’t know why. They have been so great to me all those years and I am still not happy. This year was a terrible year for me because my depression got the best of me; I have attempted suicide three times this year. And out of those three attempts, two have landed me in the hospital. And now it’s Christmas and I still have these running thoughts of taking my life; yet I don’t know why I am feeling this way. I’m supposed to be happy on Christmas but I’m not. Instead of sugarplums dancing in my head, I have thoughts of my lifeless body dangling at the end of the rope. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I can’t feel this way, not around Christmas.
This was the hardest thing for me to say because I am trying my best but it’s just not enough. I think there’s something wrong with me and I need help.
I am writing this because there are more people who are faced with holiday blues who live in pain, especially during this time of year. They say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s actually the most depressing time because there are still people out there who are faced with mental illnesses that prevent them from enjoying time with their family and friends. They shut everybody out for no reason because their depression becomes worse and they want to end their lives, just like me.
Imagine on Christmas morning when your parents call your name to open presents but you don’t answer because you’ve ended your life on Christmas Eve. They walk into your room only to find your lifeless body at the foot of the bed, or dangling from the ceiling, or with slits at your wrist, or a bullet hole in your head. Their Christmas morning has turned into a day of mourning. Imagine your family having to sell all their Christmas presents just to pay for your funeral, imagine your family crying endlessly every year because Christmas will not be the same without you and you know it. The holiday spirit will never come back, no more Christmas trees, no more presents, no more family dinners because you’re dead.
If you knew what it was like, then you would see why I am writing this. I have faced depression all year and it has gotten to the point where I attempted suicide twice. I pretended to be happy, I even tricked myself to feel this way. And I am not alone, there are others like me. So I have decided to write this blog, especially on Christmas, because I am trying to reach out to other people who is faced with suicidal depression. These people need me to help them in the right path. My life is too precious and I am not going to take it way. I am not going to make the same mistake again. I am going to fight this for all of you.
Everything will be alright. You just have to believe it. It’s never too late to turn things around. There is still hope. We just need to open up our hearts and let it come in.